Forgiveness & Finding Intimacy


Forgiveness is an underlying aspect of major life altering experiences. People often think of forgiveness in a narrow way such as forgiving one’s self. Or forgiving others for the harm they did. But forgiveness is also a letting go. ‘A letting go’ of old ideas, erroneous belief systems, and self-destructive behavior patterns. In other words, deep life changes come when we forgive life itself and welcome a new way of seeing and believing in life’s experiences.

To get there from here, we first have to change our worldview. Your worldview is the way you see the world, all the people in it and your relationship to them. It’s your philosophy of life and deeply held set of beliefs. It is the sum total of how you see the world and determines your choices. In relationships, your worldview determines how you choose to spend your time and who you decide to spend it with.

Your relationship worldview comes from all the relationships you have ever experienced. If you grew up in an abusive home, then you have imprinted within you a worldview of negative and destructive relationships.

Most people who’ve survived violence have had their worldview altered by the violent acts of others. This means that we now approach life as an adversary, expecting more violence and abuse.

Your worldview could be considered a map. If you wanted to drive to New York from Tennessee, you’d need an accurate map, not one that would take you to California!   If your map is full of pain, suffering, and negativity based on your life’s experiences, it will take you to more pain, suffering, and negativity.

With a negative worldview, you will not see anything other than what you expect. The nice, kind, loving people you desire will not appeal to you nor even appear on your radar.

This writing is about how to change your worldview. Here are the tools I have used to alter the way I viewed the world.


I’ve said affirmations galore. Affirmations don’t have to be spiritual. They can be, but they don’t have to be. An affirmation is a positive statement. It can be simple or complex. I use affirmations like a chant, saying them over and over again until my thinking changes. These days, I repeat my affirmations 10 each in the morning each day.

There are a gazillion books on positive affirmations. Many of them are newer than my old favorites. If this is a tool that suits you, just search for one that you like. Or message me. I’ll list more of my old favorites for you.

Often I make my own based on what I know about my worldview as I grow. I learn what my current thinking pattern is and I write out the opposite point of view in a sentence. You can do this too by learning to listen to yourself. You will eventually hear the patterns of thinking that are hindering you in your search for the relationship you desire. Then you, too, can create your own affirmations.


This is where you create a new worldview in your mind. Imagine the best of all positive relationship experiences. Create your image down to the last detail. Be thorough and spend time on it. Do this over and over again.

You can do this  with artwork. Or collage, cutting pictures out of magazines. I’ve done it for myself in artwork. You can write it all down too. Sometimes, you can make your own recording for yourself. Then you can listen to your vision over and over again. As you do this your thinking will change and you’ll need to create a new image.

Professional Coaching Help

This is where someone like myself can support your growth. Life coaching and Life Skills Education can help you make the changes in the choices you make for yourself.

The Change Process

Here is how a worldview change process works in your experience. First, you recognize that you have destructive beliefs. Then you decide to change one. You really can only pick one. It’s a sort of tedious process in the beginning. Now that you want to change, you get a sort of frenzy all over again. “Let’s hurry up,” you feel. You can’t. It simply doesn’t work.

So you create your plan of action to change one piece of your basic worldview. Let’s say, you create a personal visualization of the relationship you desire. Then you begin to think about it. Meditate on it and spend time with your creation.

The next thing that happens is that you will begin to see a few potential new experiences. If you desire to keep growing, choose one. Go and experience. You cannot lose here since this is not the be all and end all of your relationships. It’s simply your learning experience.

Then examine what happens carefully for information about your own behavior and thinking patterns. Where you compromised when you shouldn’t have. Where you sold yourself out. What you liked and didn’t like. And everything and anything else you could think of. You’ll learn a few new things about yourself. You only need a few new ways of being in the world to continue changing your worldview.

Now you have to change your strategy. Create a new visualization that includes the new knowledge about yourself. Make up new affirmations.

Then repeat. It’s an ongoing process. Just so you know, it’s a lot of hard work to change the deeper aspects of ourselves. In my mind, that’s really not fair. You didn’t create the problem. People gave it to you, but now it’s yours. Unfair, but still the truth. I believe that loving relationships are worth the effort. I personally believe I am worth that effort. And so are you. Really. You are.

This effort also includes the activities my writing Change Your Relationship Pattern & Find Love.

Your feedback is important! Please let me know your thoughts and feelings about this writing.

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©2016-18 by Laura Coleman, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

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