Visioning the Relationship You Want

A week or so ago, I spent considerable time looking over the different requirements for certification as a coach. One fact stuck in my brain. The Board Certified Coach credential explained that there are a narrow set of coaching skills a therapist needs to add to their repertoire. There is a vast difference in viewpoint, though.

This week I understood at depth that the difference comes from viewing a client as healthy, happy, strong, courageous and capable instead of a patient with a DSM psychiatric diagnosis. A client who has all their answers within them instead of a patient who needs my help to fix something broken.

I don’t know how I transitioned from a positive view of people into such a negative one. I’m glad to change back now. I know I needed to be seen and to see myself as whole, complete, capable of growth and accessing the good things in life. I needed to be believed in and to believe in myself. It’s important. A vital aspect of the foundation for growth.

This led me to begin mentally pulling my personal growth memories up from deep inside. Then relating them to what I am learning now. I learned a great deal about growth and change way before I entered graduate school.

When I was in my twenties I decided to enlarge my life. I wanted to be happy, have a stable sufficient income, friends, a satisfying career and a loving relationship. I moved a little over 2000 miles away from my family of origin. Looking back, I learned a lot of destructive beliefs about life from them. Particularly I took in an almost overwhelming amount of negative self-talk. This was in my way. A barrier, if you will.

Most of us have encountered negatives in our lives. It’s a part of growing up in the dog eat dog competitive world of childhood. Then there are the false beliefs some of us learned in our homes. Some 30% of all people included in a massive study by Natalie Sachs-Ericsson (2006) experienced some combination of childhood verbal abuse which led to vicious self-criticism or what I call negative self-talk.

In my twenties, I didn’t know much about changing my life. I mean, I desperately wanted more, but I had no idea how to do so. I had been in therapy since childhood, but never managed to make any headway through the extreme negativity I carried.

Then I met a woman who became my mentor and helped me find my way. Today I’d call her a life coach. I chose to work on dating and relationships first. She helped me formulate my own vision of possibilities. I didn’t have to dig out the negative beliefs. No. Instead, we envisioned what I deeply desired.

In the beginning, it was not very specific. Just a generic idea that the universe supports my growth and change. I could look outward at my life and see my very next activity in front of me.

Just so you know, this is not an easy process. Not like magic where I snap my fingers and my beliefs changed and then my life changed. Instead, it took determination and my consistent willingness to mentally return to the positive ideal every single time that negative voice surfaced. My mind might say, “it’s hopeless,” and I would have to counter that with the affirmation, “The universe supports my growth and change.”

I was and am a part of this process. I had to take risks. Of course, I did. In order to develop into the relationship I desired, I did have to go where people gathered. I’d just focus on the picture of what I envisioned; then, take whatever action came to mind next.

Then I examined whatever I experienced and attempted to wrest all the learning possible from it. See, if the universe is on my side, then life is giving me what I need to learn to grow into a life worth living.

Slowly we gravitated to the idea the there is the exact right relationship for me just waiting for me to grow into it. With a friendly universe, I could just deal with whatever developed in my path. And so I did.

This process took me 2 years of conversations, self-examination, activity, risks, and learning. This involved taking myself where other people gathered and self-examination, talking to other people and self-examination, dating and self-examination, and eventually getting married and self-examination.

So, as a life coach, I can blend what I learned in personal growth, what I learned in therapy school and what I am now learning in coaching school. It starts with a belief in a positive universe and a positive view of people. I can do this.

Contact me if you would like to make an appointment.

Contact me

If you’d like more information or want to make an appointment:

email: agentledrlaura@mail.com

Telephone: (615) 464-3791

©2016 by Laura Coleman, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.




Citations

Sachs-Ericsson, N., Verona, E., Joiner, T., & Preacher, K. J. (2006). Parental verbal abuse and the mediating role of self-criticism in adult internalizing disorders. Journal of affective disorders, 93(1), 71-78.

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